This is MY FREAKSHOW!

if i had all the flowers in this world i would declare
one flower for the day
one flower for those past years
one flower for each happy moments
one flower for all the laughter
one flower for each tear
one flower for the memories
one flower for the little girl
one flower for everyone you left behind
one flower for a broken heart
one flower for that minute
one flower for the irony
one flower for the cruelty of this world
one flower for the crying baby
one flower for all the misery
one flower for each apology
one flower for you dear child, God bless you

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just to be safe, i want to be flushed down the toilet

High school as we all know is the place where your first impression is gold and the opinions of your ‘friends’ is even more valuable. Where you are forced to do things you don’t want to do, where you are forced to act a certain way, where you are forced to become anyone but yourself. Such a cruel, cruel place. I can imagine how lots of people keep waiting for the day they graduate, free from the cage and free to wander the world. I can also imagine how disappointed they were when they realised how high school was just a mere miniature compared to life, where we must trial the same things. They would figure out that life is high school and that everyone has their own cliques and everyone has a certain way to act and how difficult it is to really become themselves. How disappointing it would be to find out that the best time to be you was in kindergarten when all everyone cared about was who did a poo-poo in the corner.

It’s unfair I reckon that the world is divided into so many classes and ridiculous ‘rules’ about who to socialize with and who to be nice to and things like that. After all, aren’t we all humans with the same needs and desires? Shouldn’t we be treated equally in this world to maintain peace? I’ve always thought that intimidation might be the major factor in destroying peace.

I still don’t understand why people can’t live in acceptance. Why can’t I accept you? Why can’t you accept me? But more importantly why can’t we accept ourselves? I also don’t understand the motive behind all these acceptance problem. Would making other people look bad make you feel better about yourself? Would thinking you are bad suddenly change the negative impression in people’s minds about you? I mean i do it too sometimes! i make other people around me feel bad, with words, actions or even by not doing either and completely ignoring them.

The irony is, the only thing we get from graduating from high school is a certificate saying we are ready for the world when all there is in that world are cliques, peer-pressure and stress, much like high school itself.

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Something I can’t imagine is why some people can actually miss high school!

Pain, fear, joy…

Tears, cries, laughter…

Why have I not experienced them?
The clock’s ticking

Tick…tock…tick

I’m running out of time

Darkness surround

I feel so cold…

Thoughts non other than my own

The wind brushing across my skin

Gentle, yet painful

I’m running out of time

It flew right past me

Not hearing my call

Eyes watery

Can I have another chance?

Questions I kept asking myself

I feel so lonely…

Voices in the distance

Disappearing into the horizon

Wait…

So fast

I cannot catch up to it
I’m no match for it

The clock’s ticking

Tick…tock…tick

I ran out of time

My stay finally ended

The world has gone

I am alone again

So many regrets

I’m happy that I am free, finally

i was watching this show and i realized how we’re all nobodies. i’m a nobody, you’re a nobody, we’re all but mere dots in a pool of dots in this universe.

my existence has no meaning, if i were to die it will not create a single ripple in this world, it will keep moving on as it did yesterday. nothing will change.

if i were to do something different then it will only be an action among other actions of billions of other people. there’s no significance in my effort. i will be left unheard, unimportant.

its agony being a nobody. will it never end?

Where have all the flowers gone?Long time passingWhere have all the flowers gone?Long time agoWhere have all the flowers gone?Girls have picked them every oneWhen will they ever learn?When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?Long time passingWhere have all the young girls gone?Long time agoWhere have all the young girls gone?Taken husbands every oneWhen will they ever learn?When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young men gone?Long time passingWhere have all the young men gone?Long time agoWhere have all the young men gone?Gone for soldiers every oneWhen will they ever learn?When will they ever learn?

Where have all the soldiers gone?Long time passingWhere have all the soldiers gone?Long time agoWhere have all the soldiers gone?Gone to graveyards every oneWhen will they ever learn?When will they ever learn?

Where have all the graveyards gone?Long time passingWhere have all the graveyards gone?Long time agoWhere have all the graveyards gone?Covered with flowers every oneWhen will we ever learn?When will we ever learn?

-Pete Seeger. Stockholm, 1968-

------------------------------what is the meaning of war?what do we intend to accomplish?why should so many lives be wasted?when will people put aside their pride?when will it end?

you know the thing butterfly effect? or something.. not the movie.. the actual theory the movie is based on. how with a single flap of a butterfly’s wing, a tornado or a hurricane happens all the way across the world?

i read somewhere (i think if was K-zone) where there was two pages filled with "fun facts" which i really don’t think is much fun at all. it was filed with things like; you eat over 1000 bugs in your lifetime, most when you’re asleep, your skin shed a ton worth of skin over a year, things like that. then one i saw near the edge of the page: "the speed of your sneeze can go over 100 mph, thats as fast as a twister!"

that kind of relates to the butterfly wings theory! if a mere flutter can cause a tornado/twister thingo, then a sneeze which has a higher speed would create a….

but that’s nto the problem here, the problem is me. me and my sneezing! every time i sneeze i have to sneeze at least 3 times. it just so happens to be like that, i dont know why or whats wrong with me but it just does. so take a look at it this way, if a certain person (me) were to sneeze at least 3 times at the same direction with each sneeze’s speed at around 100mph, and if this were correlated to the butterfly theory then… would i be creating a twister every time i need to sneeze? no.. SUPER twister considering i sneeze at least 3 times every time and if all in the same direction then it would merge together and create a super twister!!!!

was i the cause of all those wind related disasters all along???

I’M SORRY WORLD!!!!!

when you tell someone about how you feel (mostly when you’re feeling terrible), you really expect sympathy from them. this phenomenon normally happens after the question "what’s wrong?" arose in your day. it really is magic for people to know some thing’s wrong with you, especially when you have mascara running down your cheeks and it looks like they injected botox in the wrong part of your face.

so after you tell them everything, you pour your heart out, you end up all emotional (sometimes cry even more than you were before they asked what was wrong) but feel slightly better since you don’t have the burden in your minds anymore they end the conversation. they would pat your back, look all concerned and say "i know"

right!

so after the 2 hour session with doctor phil, after they’ve asked you what was wrong it turns out that they knew what was wrong! you talked long and hard with foam coming out of your mouth, people calling the ambulance thinking you have rabies, your tongue all dry, it turns out that you didn’t have to go through all the trouble saying those things because ‘they know’

how comforting…

Sent into this world of cruelty and hate
Like a punishment they were forced to take
Mockery, beatings, disrespect
A fitting reward for heroes of their time
And saviour of our world
Burdened by our mistakes
Doomed by our mistakes
If only we could wash ourselves clean from this dirt
If only we could return to being children once more
And we too could save the world
One smile at a time
Much like the children we burdened

hiya blog stalkers… i thought i’d died today at 6:22 a.m. we were going to take a train to jakarta and even though i was warned by soooooooooo many people how crowded it is and it might be quite a shocker for first timer. but being someone who has NEVER ridden a train here before when i have hair, i was all "ohh yeah, whatev man.. they’re all over exaggerating, no train would be able to move with so many people"

that was until i saw it with my real eyes! (i have fake eyes?)

the train was filled with this overflow of humans from who knows where, its like they keep adding in amount! i dont know how they fit, i dont know how they got on and i dont know how they’ll get off!! it wasn’t a train anymore! it like this bunch of thousands of people wrapped in a metal tube that was about to burst anytime! and to add to my "denying-reality-and-half-shocked-or-mentally-dead" moment, there was this man who totally jumped into the full train just to get in! homigawd!!! why not wait for the next train? i thought living was more important than getting a demotion……..

but we got on the next one which wasn’t as full (thank god!) and here i am, 9 hours later, safely sitting in my house…. with all my limbs attached and no hospital bills so far. that was definitely a once in a lifetime experience because i never want to do that EVER again! so let this be a warning to all you people.. those trains are NOT myths or legends.. they are 100% REAL! beware… arr!

i’m so tired i feel like i need to sleep for 48 hours straight. but i can’t shut my eyes coz there’s just too many things to do! i have tests, homeworks, tasks, researches to do, feeding my rabbits, go to the bathroom (yet here i am updating my blog) but im so tired to do it… maybe they wouldn’t all pile up like this if i hadn’t left it for weeks and let it grow all mouldy and old. no, its when those things have to be done by. they’re all this week. PERFECT! conclusion of paragraph: im screwed.

it’s like as if caffeine isn’t enough to generate me. hath thou failed me o caffeine? almost like ACTUAL resting is compulsory for me now…. but then again i can’t really pull an all nighter even on new years eve. i’d end up falling asleep in the morning or taking a nap before 6 pm. aaaah! why is there only 24 hours a day? if i need to get real rest for at least 7-9 hours then that means my life that’s not owned or consumed by school and its activities is only around 7 hours-ish subtracting the time used to eat and use the bathroom that’s around 5 hours left! wtf is all this???? so for a day i only get 5 hours of me time? and they actually wonder why i have self-esteem and life motivation issues?????

the worst thing about this is how i have to be awake before the sun does… the sun has the responsibility of ruining everyone’s sleep by shining. i on the other hand am not obligated to ruin people’s sleep by emotionally breaking down every morning crying "but i dont wanna go to school todaaaaay…." and getting complaints from the neighbours. i mean.. if they were to move school to around 8, just by an hour. i probably won’t be pouting as much!

i get told all the time that i’m having the whole work problem because i don’t know how to manage my time right. but seriously, going back to the last 2 paragraphs… i only have 5 hours a day to myself! the rest is owned by the government and its torture methods a.k.a. school or the sandman. i can’t spend half the only time i get for school! like hell i’m gonna give up discovering my true self for school work!

time management…. it’s not that i can’t manage it well, it’s because i’m not given enough time to manage! so the good news in all of this is i do not have any attention span disorder or w/e and i am not lazy beyond compare. the bad news is, the world doesn’t go as i plan and i’m stuck with 24 hours per day so thanks to the selfishness of everyone else i will always be a kid with zero to little attention span, extremely lethargic and lazy in the eyes of the world and i’ll never find who i really am in time thus dying with identity confusion.

i just realised that if i were to manage my time, then i’d have to spend at least an hour planning what i’d do with the 5 hour each day leaving me with only 4 hours including "studying". so if my calculations (and by my calculations i mean calculator’s calculations) are correct. i would have approx. 82125 hours (life expectancy of 75) to find out who i am…. minus the one hour i spent writing this. oh crap… i already spent 15 years…………..

so lets get started, i am…